Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
