Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
