I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
