I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
did i walk over a car last night?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
