btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
