so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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