i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
