He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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