Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
