sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
