I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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