Your face is a jimmy john
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
