No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize