"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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