I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
