Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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