in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
