I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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