Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
