my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Come see our sink grown plant.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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