I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize