you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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