And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
