2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
