When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
