Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
