I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
