I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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