You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
