I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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