My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
