just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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