He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
