i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
