if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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