But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
