Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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