So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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