I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
