Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
