I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
