You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
