The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
