...so i touched it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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