found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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