just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
