I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
