Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
