Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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