I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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