Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
