My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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