I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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