we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize