i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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