nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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