I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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