apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
