I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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